beating hearts

my heart beats once a day for you. and bleeds without your smile. but the bleeding keeps me alive. the passion pumps the curing poison to the rest of my body leaving a trace of numbness. if i retrace my steps i find myself back in my heart-lost yet again.  my otherworldly heart that holds no case in this rainy town. this town called home where i can stay in my box forever, looking outside the window to count how many flowers sway with one petal, mocking me as they sing 'he loves me not'.

who are you and what have you done to me.
like an addiction i crave your saliva. warm and sweet at the bed of my tongue.
consoling is your breath against my skin, waking up the hairs that stand in the familiar wind of your foreign love.
stirring is the shade of amber that muddles the connection between us as bodies and mends our souls as one beating heart, one understanding. a conversation no longer bonded to spoken human words- leaving our souls flying free to the rhythm of our beating hearts.
disturbing is the language we share.
all this time i thought i lived alone on my planet.
i loved it that way
no one understood my language or ways so i found an empty planet to call my own, and i was free to fly and create and destroy as i pleased. thinking you didn't exist left me ignorantly blissful.
but now i sit on my planet, knowing your on yours.
cruelty is the perfect companionship that was tested and taken away.
should i hate you or love you for existing?
should i reach you or continue to pretend you don't exist.
i do not have the choice. you took my own ability to choose away from me. it no longer feels like my planet with my rules.
can you feel our hearts beating? its an abiding sound, as silent as the colors at dawn that humbly paint your essence on the canvas of my soul.
far away yet right here. our beats will never break apart. mind, body and soul may, but our heart beats can not.

these are human words which you will read and decipher. and i will only hope that you could weed out the message and come flying home.

"Infinite silence flowing in with the dawn...

And we fall asleep again with ties to mend"

a girl's desperate letter to her muse.

the split second of doubt that revolves around the lack of reassuring reminders.
spinning round and round. fast and faster.
Dear Muse- your last words repeat itself like the pattern of seeds on a strawberry.  each seed so perfectly still-unchangeable.
the screeching silence stabs my heart with question.

how comforting to have you by my side,
        how inducing your unique beauty.
how detailed is your love,
    how       far      from reach it remains.
how real you feel, look and taste-
                                                               but oh, how transient your words prove to be    rightnow.


Under your covers, creativity comes to life- blooming innovation towards every direction.
Under your covers i keep a jar big enough to fit all of the pictures you have painted with a heavy heart. Under my covers, the paint leaks down my skin as the canvas returns to white.
                 
                                                             white.

when i'm not with you- i think of you. as you consume my everyday thought, i consume your occasional nectar.
i'll lie in the dark, cold bed of sinking horror-counting the cracks on the ceiling until your return.


don't forget me
                                                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                                                                    Me     

xmas smells like shit.

this thing called christmas.

we cuddle, smother, fondle, and attend to its every need while it shits on us.

'tis the time of year to work twice as hard and go twice as broke.

and even if you venture past the ignorant misty crowd, you get sucked back in by guilt. the unavoidable guilt that makes you feel like a double headed monster.

no end or beginning to this-just a complaint.
i'll do my duty by calling it "X"-mas.

merry Xmas.

a conversation with a silly goldfish

words like garnish.

clench like survival.

moment runs dry with the smile of a dog that comes from the body not the heart.

                                         of course dry conversation is your thing.

 

           the plastic inquiry arises-

                                                                              pat on the back for the polite goldfish

my response warps the distance between us- our planets lifetimes apart

                                                     

your eyes fire curiosity and water skepticism. 

                                                                                              ass.

an arched eyebrow and an unsure "oh yeah?!"

my glazed eye watching yet another clone. 

                                                        you beautiful robot- you.

muddled stares gaze the distance in familiar alertness

                                                                               oh, your one of them.

oh, how quickly someone can become unattractive

                                                  revolting, really.

oh, how easy it is to host your soul. 

                                                  humdrum, really.

but the riddles of the sane orbit around your understanding without interaction- 

                                      so they continue to do so

       spin your head in circles                       entertainment, really.

sit back and relax. your stuck in your world because you wouldn't survive in mine

- as fitting be-

               a goldfish doesn't belong nor is interested in venturing body or mind beyond the mundane life that has been handed to them. 

i'll watch the sunrise on the sand, and charge under the sun-living the state of happiness you refuse to fathom.

you will never leave your fish tank- just how you like it

                      the world will watch you swim in circles  

                                                      everything else grows, changes and evolves around you

but you- you beautiful goldfish, you- just keep swimming and existing- just how you like it.

nothing else matters but your fish bowl, ey?          how fun

music:

really love this song by m83 >>click

sweet poison

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

This weakness I feel I must finally show..."

the blood shoots down the inside of my limbs, in a hurry to comply with gravity. the rings at the base of my fingers delay the process- turning off each nerve one by one.
start to feel numb.
emptiness conquers
abandoned space takes shape- lightly floating up the gaping corners hiding in the shadows.
as i reach for the fruit, the snake slithers up my arm, and around my neck for comfort. he assures my temporary safety and caresses my cheek. and with promises of a different tomorrow, i sink into the first bite.
the forbidden fruit kills slowly.
the sweet juice satisfies the desperate thirst for the defiant. all convincing-all addictive.
yet its the core-that which can not be consumed- that i seek.
with the tear of the skin-the seal is broken. the fruit is bitten and the poison will take its course without pity or apology.

"Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and i'll just let your fall.

Lend me your eyes, i can change what you see. but your soul you must keep, totally free."

leaking pleasure gathers a pool around my emotions. the poison spirals through my reason and strips me from the comforting stone. my fingers latch on for dear life- unprepared for the hallow ending to this beginning.  

our minds alike fickle over certainty and swallow adventure with pride. 

Finding Neverland became a game. a game which we play with eyes and hearts shut.  Commitment is the diversion which i run from and long for. Pretending i dont need it became a game in itself. so to fill the void- i'll stomach the fruit. My curves will sway with the flow of the poison and i will sing the melody of your soul. Free Free Free

music:

>wrote this with this song in mind


>but this song goes freakishly well
xoo 

pity me, pity you.

you think you know
it all
you think you find
me small
how dare you suggest that i feel weak? May i remind your pirated statuesque that PAIN is the digging blade that slashes through the foggy canopy which shelters those blissful wondering eyes- empty without the deep color purple of appreciation that lingers around the pupil of He who tastes the fruit of pain.
a life without fault is an undeserving illusion of beauty- as is your reminder that "i am strong".
this
agony
genuinely, fearfully striking agony towards your assumption of my weakness.
i am not the screaming soul, batting my lashes at the world, mooching for attention.
no one gets a hold of my inner skin like that of an arrogant soul who truly believes i deserve their pity.

i promise- im OK. i just like to write about shit ....jezus.

music:

gotta love slipknot

xoo

steady hands

music:
song i listened to while writing this. artist is a good buddy of mine :)

i wish i would've made this anonymous so that i can really say what happened to my heart yesterday. but that point of honesty i have yet to reach.

i asked myself if it was all worth it. then i ask myself what "it" is. because in all that i hate there lies something that i love. and in all that i treasure, i find coal.

every glimmering ocean is the home of a flesh-eating animal. every genuine smile is derived from previous pain. every soul-sucking kiss comes to an end indefinitely.

but in that moment, when everything feels in place- how can that be wrong.

deep inside my soul, right before my flaming essence, is the part of me which i hold no control of. its the part that holds on tight to my brain, suffocating it until it serves no purpose.

its the part that falls in love.

the part that blooms and flourishes in the heat of the sun.

it brings me to life, then kills me, then blooms again.

the beautiful thing about winter is spring. everything must die before it can live again.

having that said- i'll accept the pain that comes with the joy. because yes, its worth it.

because "it" isn't so bad. but you..you are so good.

                                   

lost and found

music:

click this to hear what i listened to while writing this-if interested.

in the midst of discovery, i found peace. closing my eyes lead me to the place that felt like home. the familiar face that looked back at me with comforting eyes and soft winds. back to the place where i found myself--a free soul hidden in the most romantic crease of the boulder. the instant we locked eyes, i felt at once, my body had at last met its soul-and together we dance effortlessly around the colorado blue skies.

here i lie waiting in the dirty streets with distorted faces drenched in clown makeup. Waiting aimlessly revolutionized into waiting anxiously. Counting and thanking every dollar that comes my way for steering me a stone's throw away from the place i'll call home-where my heart is. 

with this in mind, i keep my cupped hand hovered over my heart. with striking fear in my eyes, i stand as still as a guard, protecting my memory as a tired body screaming to move. 

i met a boy

his essence overflows mine with genuine emotion. 

after leaving him, i pinch myself to remember why i'm here and what im doing. it seems to me as though finding him along miami's shore could very well be the best thing for me. i go about my day humming tunes and laughing at every spec of sunshine. with my spirit high, i have more energy to work and play. yet the deepest part of my core that was left in denver, screeches for my attention. so i grab a pitch fork and stand guard over my heart.

graciously, i take in the unexpected, uncontrollable, animalistic, unreal, magical love that was sent my way. 

cautiously, i place it in a box and can be discarded immediately. or at least i try to

could this be the death of me? am i setting myself up for disaster?

all of me sings out 'it doesn't make a difference' in a joyous melody.

here goes nothing

not so boring introduction

my last name is ramos, translated to branches which i find fitting. i am the ever-changing, ever-growing part of the tree of life. with Camelia flowers blooming and dying and blooming again. An interminable yearn for knowledge and the love of life burns inside of me and travels to the person i portray everyday in front of the mirror. today i will make my mother happy, today i will make myself happy.

here's my basic story.
my childhood had its ups and downs like everybody else.
i took time off to take care of my mom, Camelia.
she passed away november 20th of 2010.
i went through deep depression, almost to the point of death.
months later, i broke up with my bf and my depression.
i believe in my happiness and revolve my world around it.
i have a hell of an opinion, a hell of smile and a hell of perspective.

i speak in riddles, so try to keep up. welcome to my twisted world.